Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Last Post

Cue the trumpet song that they used to play at school on Anzac Day. And just like when they played the Last Post at school, right now you're probably bored, don't really get what's happening but have an overwhelming sense that something significant is going on.

This is the last post of the Alvin blog.

Boy, it's been some ride huh. I mean, like, 2 and something years of a few posts about pretty much nothing. How will we live without it?

Today a friend came on FB chat and abused me for not updating Alvin's third person diary in three months. So I decided it was time, time to put an end to the misery that is the life of Alvin. Sure, he'll live on, but with his real name. And Alvin will be a thing of the past. Something that we'll look back on with a shrug of the shoulders and no feelings of sentimentality.

Alvin came on FB chat half an hour ago and we did an interview about the life of this thing, like it ever mattered. No editing, just lame FB chat. Enjoy, for the last time. - MJ

ME: Hey

wanna do an interview for Alvin

Alvin: yello

what you mean?

we'll talk on here

and then I'll post it on Alvin



what kind of questions

What are you doing now?

this wont be funny...

i'm sitting in a motel watching inbetweeners and 'chatting' on facebook


Where are you?


Can you remember when I started the Alvin blog>


i could probably check the first post and see it's relevance

but you don't remember when I told you I was going to do it?

no not really

Neither do I

You never really seemed to care

like it was no big deal

but it's pretty weird really

people write blogs about me all the time really

i'm used to it

You made me change the name though

this interview is over!


you can't bring up the name change

that's like when people call me alvin, it ruins the point of the name change

I remember we used to go to parties and people would go, "Alvinnnnnnn!!!"

That was the best


if it becomes a nickname

it's pointless to change it

why'd you want the name to change anyway

for any incrimination from stories both factual and fictional

I think I might make this the last ever Alvin story by the way


It was all true

not all of it

what wasn't true

i've never watched offspring, done drugs, played call of duty or slept in mens beds


I never even told the best sleeping in a man's bed story

i don't know what you're talking about


I got distracted

tlaking to my housemate

and forgot what I was gonna ask

hey, do you think I should reveal who you are

considering this is the last post and all

"And revealing.... BRANDON DAVID"

everyone knows Brand David dreams of a life where he could have one story to tell

there is no way it could be him, not one humerous anecdote or adventure

Are there any stories that are your favourites?

from life or alvin?

one and the same really

i think the drawing of 'there was no girl' sums me up pretty well

it really does

are there any that make you cringe?

nah not really

i can't remember them all

My personal favourite was when you got bullied by your friends

and planned a revenge

but the problem was

you never did the revenge

i did shave my beard and keep the hair

i still have it...

i'm just waiting for the right type of revenge

how long have you had the hair?

has to be 2 years i reckon

it was a warm day when i got ditched

and it doesn't feel like last year


the blog has been running a long time

but I rarely posted stuff

sometimes I'd get inspired

and think, "Yeah, I'm gonna make Alvin famous... for his mediocrity." BUt then I'd always just forget about it

obviously i'm not busy enough

you don't do much

i do a bit

i just play the cards a bit closer to the vest these days

you could no longer trust me?

just saving them for the auto biography

well the idea was that I'd do this for the rest of your life

and document the whole thing

you'd never need to write an autobiography

it's your fault for moving interstate

are you disappointed it's ending

you could be missing the biggest money making opportunity of your life


cos i'm awesome, and the world must know my story.

The Alvin blog was a place for you to be real

none of this fake showyness

it's over now Alvin

bear your soul Alvin

no need to front with the jokes and the fake arrogance

what's behind the laughter Alvin

what exactly are you asking

Who is Alvin?

You know in deep interviews with celebrities they ask that

"Tell me, who is the real Tom Cruise?"

that's what I'm doing

yeh but if i was a celebrity, i'd be like, what a shit question

lazy journalism Negus

go back to looking smug and reporting the news in a 'i can't believe you n00bs don't already know what i'm saying' style

god i hate him

That's one thing I regret


not showing your amazing ability to criticise people and things in an intelligent way

without ever doing anything yourself ever

other than you know, pwning noobs on Call of Duty

that's is what i do, the criticism itself


I'm ending this interview for the same reason I'm ending the blog

I can't be bothered anymore and you're boring me

so... any last words?

you like Negus don't you?

I do

but I don't really know why

I just do

i used to

but i watched 6pm a couple of times

yeah I ain't seen it yet

he's seriously like


you know

what i said before


you also hate Leunig

yup, i don't see why anyone would like him

I hate leunig cos his cartoons are meant to be intelligent and deep

but they are doodles with irrelevant words

anyway, last words?

These will be the last ever words on the Alvin blog, pick them wisely

that's too much pressure